What’s holding me back?

Dean and I went out to dinner last night for the first time in a very long time, which was lovely. It was a good chance to talk about our move to the coast etc, we have so many things we need to work out and organise between now and when it happens. I am finding it all a bit overwhelming to tell the truth… not so much the moving but how we are going to go about selling the business and all that is involved with it. Neither of us have ever done anything like this before and don’t really know where to start. Thank goodness one of Dean’s close friends is a solicitor, and between him and our parents who have backgrounds in business we will get there somehow.

Another good thing that came out of it is I think I have worked out what has been holding me back and what has made it so hard to make a decision about it. I have had a nagging feeling about the move that has been really bothering me and I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. Dean brought it up at dinner as he drove past the cemetary yesterday and he thought of it.

Jacob’s ashes are buried here, and moving away will mean we will not be able to visit him very easily. While we do not visit that often it is nice to know we are close by. As soon as Dean mentioned it my eyes started welling up as I realised what we would be leaving behind. It really feels like we are leaving him behind to fend for himself. Of course logically that makes no sense, but that is what it feels like, and it also feels like a part of me will be left behind here.

I couldn’t work out why I have been feeling so tied to this city and like it wasn’t right to move away. I have never been overly attached to the city and all the things like my favourite gp, hairdresser and dentist are important, they have never been something that I would normally be THAT worried about that I would want to avoid moving for. I have never been overly attached to places (well except maybe Holland) and love the adventure of starting somewhere new. I have been wanting to move out of this city for a long time and never actually wanted to move back here. We only did because Dean wanted to finish his degree, and at the time, the plan was to move back to Brisbane once he was done. Well obviously that never eventuated and I kind of felt stuck here. I WANTED to move away.. so now I know why I feel so tethered to this place. I don’t want to leave my darling baby boy behind. Even now as I write this my eyes are welling up at the thought. It is going to be so incredibally hard to leave him behind.

Dean made some suggestions to make it easier, such as getting an identical plaque made to what we have at the cemetary and bring it with us. He suggested getting some of the soil from where he was buried at the cemetary to make it feel like he was still with us, but I wouldn’t feel right about doing that. What if there were ashes of other babies buried there as well. (he doesn’t have his own grave) We do however have a very small amount of ashes still in the box we were given them in. We can take them with us and perhaps bury them somewhere special.

I feel a lot better knowing what that nagging feeling is but it is still going to be hard leaving Jacob behind. I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before now. I have been sitting on the fence about the move for weeks and I just couldn’t work out what that nagging feeling was, so at least I know now. Now I just need to work through it and see it is a moving on in our lives.

Dad emailed me some photos of the house so I will post them a little later, right now the couch and a nap are beckonning!